I guess as part of healthy healing I need to post this.  We lost our pregnancy at just over 7 weeks.  I must admit I have often visited this site - the ticker at the top is an unhealthy help I guess.  I took comfort in watching "our baby" grow - even if it was only through a computer screen, and not my own body.  I still don't have the strength to remove it, perhaps after our due date I will.

But I've come far since the miscarriage - I've become more accepting of what will be.  I'm not so angry, but not completely anger free either.  Some days are better than others.  But I still take small steps forward.  Come february we will begin IVF - and then the next steps after that should we be unsuccessful is adoption.

Thanks to everyone who shared our joy in my previous post - your thoughts were very much appreciated.

Warning, I can't be blamed for the upcoming loss of self control and dignity.


Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!

I'm starting to believe I am not meant to have children, I'm in meltdown mode today, AF is here with a vengeance, I'm doubled over in pain, all the while trying to get down to insure my car, clean the house, pay the bills and play happy little wife, while I'm running to the toilet every hour to change because my stupid flow is in full force. Perhaps I don't have what it takes to be a mother, maybe this is gods way to telling me "Holllllld on there little Missy, you really want this?"

As the years have passed I've held onto hope best I can, but at times (like this one for example) I just feel like all this pain and heartache we go through is draining us, draining us a couple, as a family, as a partnership and as individuals. This emotional roller coaster just never seems to have a finish point, and I scream for the tops of the ride to slow it down or stop and let me off, but the driver never listens, he just sits there with his checked flannel shirt and half smoked cigar hanging out of his toothless mouth and just laughs away while pushing down the gears to give me a faster ride from hell.

I'm sure tomorrow I'll look back on todays reflections as giggle at my insanity, but for now...

Well for now I stare at my little puppies beside me, and I wonder - How would you look in a school uniform?